Transformers Rule!

My adventure began with a yearning desire to become the first owner of the Transformers DVD…..

In order to become the first proprietor of this coveted DVD I had to go to The Big Apple. All stores would be selling the DVD that day but because of time zone differentials, New York businesses would open earlier than the rest of the country. After careful research and many bribes to those with inside information, I found the name of the store that would open first. Many are not privy to the underground world of store opening betting. It’s big business. Most believe that a store opens at the indicated time on the side of building. Untrue. There is so much more that goes into opening a store than just a guy unlocking the doors. I have neither the time nor the inclination to go into the pertinent details. I needed to get the time off from work so I placed a call to my boss and feigned endometriosis. I complained of uterus cramping and Fallopian tube pains. I was given a few days to recover. To ensure that I would be the first patron of the store that morning, camping out would be required. Camping requires provisions like a tent, 7.6 feet of twine, a king size inflatable mattress, an inflatable dresser for my effects, an inflatable mirror and so forth. I picked up these items and finished my other preparations. Most people travel by plane, car or train. My preferred means of conveyance is a pogo stick. I loaded up my essentials and hopped to the outskirts of Times Square. Two hours later I arrived and wasn’t even breathing hard. There were only 23 hours left until the store opened its doors for business the next morning. Adequate time to guarantee my position I thought. I purchased a hot dog from a street vendor and made my way to the heart of Times Square so that I could stake my spot in line and settle in for the night. To my utter disappointment I discovered I was to be second in line. Someone had beaten me to the store’s entrance and was perched in his chair. Many thoughts inundated my mind: “Was he here for another movie? Was he just hanging out?” I hopped over to him, dismounted my pogo stick and leaned it against the wall so that I could make up camp. I was furious. Maybe he was here for some other reason. I had to know. “You here for the Transformers DVD or just a lazy door greeter with no name tag and no tunic?” I asked in a jocular tone. “The Transformers DVD of course. I saw the movie 17 times in the theater with my daughter and can’t wait to watch it at home with her. You see she’s terminally sick and doesn’t have much longer to live. She is in constant pain and is unable to use pain killers because of fatal allergic reactions. The only time my wife and I have seen her smile lately is when she watches Transformers. That’s why we’ve seen it 17 times. It would be more but the medical bills we’ve been incurring haven’t allowed us to go as often as we would like. I have been awaiting the release of the DVD for a long time so that we could play it over and over for her. You should see her, she smiles the entire movie but as soon as it ends her face returns to the contorted face of never ending pain. It’s such a miraculous sight to behold.” I knew then that I would have to kill him. I had to become the first owner of the DVD. I also made a mental note to avoid any trivial conversation with this guy. Due to my experience as a deep cover special agent I am a proficient assassin. With many different methods available at my disposal, I had to utilize a technique that would not draw attention or raise suspicion because we all know how lightly frequented Times Square is. I decided to employ a sniper method. I assembled my pink tent with frills and inflated all my necessary equipment. It felt like home but with less pink. With exaggerated actions of fatigue, I told my neighbor I was going to take a snooze. He bought the subterfuge. Within the confines of my pink tent I began to silently drill a hole through the concrete like Bugs Bunny does in cartoons. I tunneled a passage to a deserted alley and then scaled the fire escape to the roof of the building adjacent to my camp site and the undeserving thief that stole my rightful place in line. His execution would be swift. My yearning desire to be the first owner of the DVD was no longer a desire but a mandatory necessity that wouldn’t acquiesce. I no longer had a choice. Steadying my aim I expertly handled the boomerang. I opted to use a boomerang because it made no noise, would return to me leaving the police clueless as to the weapon used, and because with the speed with which I would throw it would remain invisible. Just as I was finishing my throw and the boomerang was about to be released, a gust of wind arose and deflected the proper angle of my throw. Being true to form, the boomerang arced around and began its journey back to the origin of the throw. I had thrown the boomerang with such a velocity that catching it was next to impossible. I had anticipated the boomerang would slow down once it struck the thief below. Now that it hadn’t, I was in trouble. I couldn’t see when the boomerang would arrive because it was traveling so fast. The best thing I could do is duck for cover and reduce my exposed surface area in an attempt to avoid contact. I wasn’t quick enough. I felt the impact as it crashed into my throat. I tried to emit a few selected curse words but was unable to draw or expel breath. As I laid there prostrate struggling for air, I decided being first wasn’t worth taking this man’s life and widowing his wife and little girl. All I would need to do is trip him as the horde of people stampeded into the store and I would be home free. I successfully tripped him and he disappeared under the throng of people. I can now say I am the first owner of the Transformer DVD.