***WARNING***

If you have not yet supped upon the pages of this blog, I strongly encourage you to flee…and quickly. Keep your dignity intact! Preserve any decorum you have!

All words and thoughts are presented in incredibly poor taste. No words were directed to the extolment of virtuous things. This blog is equal parts offensive and lunacy.

That folks was my one shot at trying to give people something worthwhile by way of warning. It failed so back to work on another rant. In the meantime, I hope Shaquille O’Neal somehow mistakes your rectum for a condom.

…I tried to warn you.

I work with proof that evolution is pure fiction.

The proof is a peculiar little man with the initials J.F. I’ve never believed in evolution and have many supporting reasons but none so compelling and convincing as this tool box exhibit.

Natural selection? Hmmphh!!

If nature had any sense, it would have selected against this guy long ago. It most certainly would have selected against him before he created progeny and passed on his tainted genes. But alas, nature failed to make the right decision and successfully doomed a few kids to a grim, depressing future. Future is definitely the wrong word there because they don’t have one. Instead insert whatever word means a whole lifetime of disappointments for the human race at no fault of their own. Unlike a heavy person proffering the fictitious excuse that the reason they got fat was due to genetics or a thyroid disorder; these kids really can impute their, and soon to be everyone else’s problem, on their misfortunate genes. Thanks nature and J.F.!

To assume that nature could select anything is to suppose it knows a good decision from a bad one. Nature is incapable of making decisions. It does what it does without considering outcomes. There would be an equal chance of it selecting good or bad because of its inability to differentiate between the two. Nature is not like a kid after trick-or-treating when they separate the collected candy into different piles.

Additionally, we would not see the variety we do among people if nature were selecting the best candidate to survive the species. One candidate cannot perpetuate the species. I have a friend that tries to do this like 3 times a day and has been unsuccessful every time. Telling him it can’t happen doesn’t stop this go-getter from trying. He keeps plugging away…on himself.

If nature were “selecting” as some tools believe, the only variety we would see would be among 2 options, and only 2 options. The one it previously selected, that would serve as a comparative template for the next generation, and the mutated one that was minutely different.* The better would be selected for and the other selected against.

But selection is a long process and not an immediate one!! So nature is inefficient but yet efficient? Me thinks not. Great argument though moron. Why is it so hard for people to believe that a higher being created things to work the way they do? We do it all the time. We build cars that are able to perform many complex tasks. Computers are programmed by people to complete a battery of tasks.

Evolutionists are retards. Perhaps evolutionists are decedents of J.F.

But E, that can’t happen, some are older than him!

Well you have a magical word to explain something that never happened, find another one to explain that.

*This can’t happen in some parts of the human body. If one tiny, little nucleic acid is out of sequence among the incalculable contained within the body, the whole thing’s done or will have dire consequences. A tidbit of another proof debunking evolution that I will not fully go into.

For all the morons that think/thought the George Forman Grill is/was revolutionary.

You make me sad to be linked to you by species. Classification is clearly flawed.

Lean, mean, grilling machine? Not so much. Fat collector? I’d say so.

If you retards wanted to make a hamburger with reduced fat content and thereby cleverly purchased a George Forman Grill …wait before I go on, reread that last sentence. Do you feel stupidity enveloping you? If not, soon. Healthily improve a hamburger? Morons!

You- But E that’s the beauty of the George Forman Grill, you can cook a variety of things on it not just burgers!

Me- You could have put Sherlock Holmes out of business with your powerful deductions and brilliant observations. I hope your next breath somehow becomes viscous and renders you dead. A greasy burger best illustrates the point. Now look at the ground for 15 minutes as way of expiation. Better yet, keep it shut.

The George Forman Grill marinates the burger in its own grease sealing it within the burger as it travels down the sloping grease troughs. Conversely, a regular grill allows the expelled grease to casually drip to a fiery demise through its slotted rack. I wonder if you’re suffering from mental infirmities and not Ol’ Georgie whose been punched more than Courtney Love’s whore card. How did you get succored into thinking this was a good investment?

You- Well E, aside from foolishly thinking it would make me healthier, the knowledge that I can use it in and outside my house versus only outside with a grill was very appealing. Versatility played a vital role in my purchasing decision.

Me- You lazy SOB!!! You would rather funk up the whole house with burger aroma than walk outside? Does the concept of physical exercise make you ill? I didn’t think I could be any more disappointed in you. Thank you for lowering yourself to accomplish the feat. I'll bet your parents are so proud. You are truly pathetic.

You- Why E it seems you have no good response to that!!

Me- False. Your face.

In summary, you suck if you own a George Forman Grill. I would continue delineating the various reasons of why this product's aim was to gullible, mindless drones but it’s become boring. You could have easily avoided an imprudent purchase by exerting a modicum of brain power. But hey! At least you have a collecting dish full of grease to show how healthy you are, right? Douche bag!!!

A future conversation with my future wife...

“Honey, we should put in a new deck,” my beautiful wife says as she inspects the back of the house and concludes that something is lacking.

“Interesting selection of pronouns. Of the 8 or so options of pronouns, you felt that one best fit the current situation. When I try to get someone to do something, I most commonly ask using the pronoun that would indicate them completing the task. Throwing in words that mean the work would be shared among those being implicated by the pronoun seems anomalous. Perhaps I should take a moment to elucidate the proper use of that word. When you say, “Honey we should…” That means there are more than one participant in the action that yields the desired outcome. That means you and I complete the task, not that I slave away and you enjoy the ensuing product. You see the word we is a combination of two pronouns that means you and I or an even larger grouping of people in which the person saying we is included. It does not mean your participation in the whole process is simply saying the task or job and I do everything. Let me know if I’m going too fast for you…”

“Oh my hell, I married a moron. Are you really that daft?”

“Yes honey. How this eluded you for so long eludes me. I’ll get to work on that deck right away. Thank you for entertaining the poor peasant you share a bed with. You just bought an industrial size bottle of lotion at Costco right?”

“Yeah why?”

“I have a feeling I’m the only one foolish enough to have sex with myself for the next little while. I can count on no hands the number of times you and I will be getting intimate.”

“Is that hammering or you flapping gums?”

“I love you honey!”

Postscript: I will never be a dick like that to my wife. I simply tried to make a funny, fictional conversation. Failure is as bitter as it is sucky.

Today...just an average, ordinary day if you are E.

“Hey papi, you looking to get into trouble?” an exotic half-Latin-half-white girl asked as our paths crossed.

“Yeah, why?” I said coolly.

“I just need to know if I need to change my name to trouble.”

“What’s in a name? Not me that’s for sure.”

“Just so you know, I screw like I made it up,” she said then flirtatiously bit her bottom lip and made her eyes pout. My weakness.

“Great, then I needn’t be concerned of you tiring easily. Are you lithe?”

“Like a 12 year old gymnast.”

“Drop the 12 year old part and we’re in business.”

“But my name’s not business.”

“Relax, sweetie. Don’t be desperate; I don’t even know your name.”

“It’s…”

“Shhh…I don’t care what it is. I’ll forget as soon as you tell me so let’s just avoid you getting mad at me later by never telling me.”

“Sound reasoning. Just call me yours.”

“Don’t be dumb. Let’s scram.”

“Done, although that wasn’t very smooth.”

“Hey I’m not an alchemist, I can’t turn everything you say into gold. Meanwhile I hope your mouth soon suffers from an acute shortage of words. I don’t mean that rude, just that I have other plans for it than talking.”

It’s rough being me.

In defense of those poor, weak one minute men.

Fact: Women’s orgasms last longer than men’s.
Fact: Some men would be happy to last one minute in a woman.
Fact: You are lame. Irrelevant but needed to be said.

As much as I pity these pathetic souls, I think I have discovered a reason why they don’t last very long. Not that I understand it though, I try to maximize my time spent in women.

Perhaps they’re just trying to even things out. More O’s, although shorter, for men compared to fewer, longer O’s for women. It balances. Both parties spend the same amount of time orgasming.

Never mind! I don’t want to defend those poor bastards. Learn how to lay, douche bags! There is no good excuse for your shortcomings. Pun? Maybe. Not even Obama or Al Gore could spin your affliction in a positive light. Quit giving men a bad name!!