Cyclists/Retards

I’m going to mount a battering ram or a plow blade to the front of my Accord for summers. Why? Multiple reasons, of which I’ll mention three. One, so my car doesn’t get damaged when I take a cyclist out for hogging the road. Two, obvious aesthetic enhancement. Three, aerodynamics. Why summer E? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate in winter? Easy scooter, I’m getting there. Summer is when retards are out on their bikes. But E, they aren’t all retards. Really, then why do they wear helmets? Check mate.

Question: car vs. cyclist? Car, no question. I’ll prove it every time I see a cyclist on my side of the road mindlessly, selfishly weaving in and out of my lane like he’s entitled to it. Laws may indicate they are entitled to it but not the way these douche bags rape the law. If cyclist’s have the same rights as a car, why don’t they adhere to the speed limit or to passing laws? If there is not a bike lane for you to congest, get on the sidewalk or die. That simple. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fitness. Just not when inconsiderate asshole fitness interferes with my life. That includes you marathon organizers. Of all the uninhabited space on Earth to run a marathon, you, being a dumb ass, decide blocking off the road in front of my house is the best place for a marathon.

Cyclists, I may warn you by honking my horn before taking you out or I may not. It depends on my mood that day. Scaring your bladder and rectum empty before making a flesh, bone and metal composite pile on the pavement will only make me laugh harder. I don’t want to notify every one in advance because some may try to out pedal me. I don’t want to have to waste gas speeding up to maim you because I’m environmentally friendly, hence the driving of a car and not riding a bike. Plus I want it to be as painful as possible for you. Speeding up will only expedite the bone crushing. No thanks. I want you to have time to ponder about how big of a dumb ass you are for thinking you are so important that the rules of the road don’t apply to you. In terms of road priority, you are less than nothing. I would swerve to miss a bird, an object in the road, a feral cat, an air molecule, a falling leaf, etc. I would only swerve toward you.

Some may consider me a hero for cleaning up the streets. To them I say, superhero, get it right bitch. I am eradicating evil and should be named accordingly. Only superheroes do that not heroes. No need to send fan mail or offer your daughters to me. I’m just a man doing what is right.

Regarding Michael Jackson

While many jokes can be told today, the fact remains that he is (not was) the King of Pop. He always will be too. I liked him for his music not his personal life. The only other thing I'll say about it is that I imagine a lot of child molestation lawyers are out of work today.

R.I.P. Michael

A dude with a chick's name equals gay.

I have a friend that is so gay he can’t even think straight. His parents knew he was gay when they first saw him and consequently named him Courtney. Aptly named cause he’s kind of a bitch. I call him homo for short. Sometimes you just don’t have time for that extra syllable. But seriously folks, Elton John and Freddy Mercury look like mountain men or mill workers compared to this fairy. I once asked him what size of bed he sleeps on to which he responded a queen. Figures. But seriously folks, this man sleeps on a cock shaped pillow. He said it gives him good head support. I asked if he meant neck support. His response was a series of blinks. I imagine he was spelling out G-A-Y using eye-blinking Morse code cause he’s that gay. But seriously folks, this is not a gay bashing post. Someone else’s sexual preference is none of my concern nor should it be anyone else’s.

However, while we're on the subject I have a question that no one has ever been able to adequately answer. Why the parades and over the top flamboyance? You’re gay, I get it. Why the huge production? Why is there an overwhelming compulsion to overtly advertise your sexual preference? I used to work at a restaurant where I was one of the only straight people there. All too often I was told that I was gay and just didn’t know it or that everyone is gay to an extent. I would ask them why they want everyone to be open-minded and accepting of them but will not extend the same courtesy. Never got a response.

Sometimes you're too grossed out to help.

“I’ve got f*#% you money so f*#% you!” Tyson exclaimed while grabbing his balls.

“You speak as though you teach at a finishing school. And what does money have to do with anything? Relax, brother. Have a seat and let’s figure this out.”

“Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough. I said fu…”

“Oh you were clear dumb ass. If I was a Sith Lord, I would be force choking you. Now sit down before I do it the old fashioned way.”

“It’s just that…I’m just really upset that she would do that to me.”

“You mean to him. No need to be a douche to me. I didn’t touch that thing.”

“What? Oh yeah, I guess to him is more accurate. Why would she do that to him?”

“Maybe she mistook him for food? I’m surprised she was able to get over there to do it. She’s got a body for sitting.”

“What? Come on man, that’s my girl.”

“You feed her well. Do you feed her via a feed bag or trough? Never mind, my curiosity sometimes overrides protocol. Why did you not lash her to a post? It’s unlawful to let your animals run free.”

“Look A-hole. We’re talking about my girl.”

“Look sicko. You have sex with a farm animal. Bestiality is illegal too. You’re in some serious trouble here reprobate. I’m trying to help you but first I need to understand. Why her? Not tall enough for a horse?”

“That’s it…” Tyson lunges toward my throat to cause me harm.

Allyoocan!! I uppercut him, Ryu style. He back flips into his prior spot in the chair. I quickly handcuff him to the chair to prevent further attacks. “Not smart guy. Wipe your self off, you’re bleeding.”

“I can’t…move my…hands,” Tyson says between gasps as he recovers from the resounding blow.

“Funny huh?”

“Funny that you tell me to do something when you’ve disallowed me from doing it?”

“Precisely. I’m restraining you for your own good. If you charge again, I may not be able to stop myself next time.”

“Thank you for sparing my life.”

“Indeed, now get your tongue out of my ass. Getting back to business, any clue as to what compelled your behemoth girlfriend to cheat on you? Better question is how is it possible that there could be 2 sickos in this world willing to hump that thing?” I contemplatively ask before my stomach painfully convulses. Good thing it’s empty or I would have violently jettisoned its contents everywhere. The logistics of the putrifying event escape me. We know no two things can occupy the same space. Additionally the location of her sagging belly would make most positions impossible. I imagine a crane and crane operator are involved. My stomach through some weird neurological linking took this thought as a cue to convulse again. I had to stop thinking about it before I puked myself inside out.

“I don’t know how to answer your question other than to say I like what I like.”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Have you tried hypnosis, suicide or thinner girls?”

“I’m an alcoholic.”

“Not a viable excuse. Double vision doesn’t have the distorting power to make animals look human. Alcohol does have the ability to make a girl look magically 20-30 pounds thinner after imbibing enough booze to kill a midget. It cannot, however, make a girl look hundreds of pounds lighter and not so…ummm….animal-like. Your body is incapable of accommodating the amount of alcohol required to make that a feasible option. You would die with even a fraction of the requisite amount.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You need to add the word “no” to your lexicon. It’s evident the love you have for her supersedes any social awkwardness she possesses as well as resemblances to beasts and whales. You love her with all your soul. And while I find it repulsive on every imaginable level, I support you brother. Just love her Tyson, just love her. The reason she probably cheated on you was because you didn’t love her enough. You drove her into another man’s arms, well at least a portion of her. No man has a wingspan long enough to wrap his arms around her like a belt. Now for her health’s sake put her on a diet. You two will need to work out the details of her cheating on you because I’m over it.” I walked over and un-cuffed him so he could be on his fat loving way.

“Thank you for the advice.”

“Sure. Thank your adipose sponsored girlfriend for making me money on my McDonald’s stocks. Oh before you go….” I said as I walked over to the closet.

“Yeah?”

“Put this to good restraining use,” I said as I threw him a chain and a lock. “To keep her away from the fridge or when you leave so she doesn’t go to another man or ten. Good luck kid.”

How the....?

How is it that a punk bitch like Jimmy Fallon has a tv show? I excrete more talent from my ass than the aggregate talent of a thousand Jimmy Fallons. Saying I shit more talent than zero times 1000 isn’t impressive because I’m comparing myself to zero. How he’s able to still talk is surprising. I’d have thought the amount of time he’s spent under countless producers’ desks would have rendered his mouth useless. No talent S.O.B. What is happening to America? We have a dumb ass president with a severe Robin Hood complex. He makes George W. look brilliant. If you can’t see that then he can’t rob you blind because you already are. I pity you and will pray for you. How is it that Bush gets criticized by the media for making good decisions and Obama gets a free pass to make as many stupid decisions as he wants? Anyway I don’t want to dwell upon this one man running our country into the ground quicker than JFK Jr. did in his plane. Or did he crash into water? Doesn’t matter, he’s deader than disco.

A word of advice to the guys out there.

If she looks like she can take a punch, walk away. Nothing good can become of it. Trust me.

Some things never change.

LDS girls should not be allowed to date. They are crazy and have the oddest agenda when it comes to dating. I need to consult a committed member of an insane asylum to understand how LDS girl's actions could possibly make sense to someone. Not that I would understand it, crazy and sane are immiscible. I can’t wait to go to dental school out of state so I can hang out with normal girls.

When will it ever stop?

Girl: I’m gonna hit the sack.
Me: Are you tired?
Girl: Let me rephrase, I’m gonna hit your sack, your man satchel, etc.
Me: I am a gentleman of distinction and believe that act is reserved for married couples. Plus you sound super whorish.
Girl: That is a good thing. Let me show you how good it is.
Me: No. Do you read me?
Girl: I want to read you like I was blind and your body was Braille.
Me: Understandable. Please be sure to take maximum offense to this, you look like the ugly duckling that never made it to swan. Piss off immediately.
Girl: Please! I need you in my body…I mean my life. Oops, Freudian slip.
Me: I’ve given your proposition its due consideration and cannot be any firmer in my decision. No, absolutely not.
Girl: So your decision is rock hard?
Me: What’s wrong with you? Are you a sexual deviant? Are you retarded?
Girl: If either of those things turn you on, then yes.
Me: Good hell woman! I’d punch you but you look like you can take a punch. That is not attractive. At all.
Girl: Would you rather pull my hair?
Me: I'd rather have a normal, non-sexual conversation about how sick you make me. Please scram.

True story. Sometimes the truth is funnier than something you can make up.

Not my fault.

My back sometimes yells at me like it’s my fault my parents hooked me up. As such I have made kyphosis sexy. Thanks abnormally large appendage protruding from my groin.