Cyclists/Retards

I’m going to mount a battering ram or a plow blade to the front of my Accord for summers. Why? Multiple reasons, of which I’ll mention three. One, so my car doesn’t get damaged when I take a cyclist out for hogging the road. Two, obvious aesthetic enhancement. Three, aerodynamics. Why summer E? Wouldn’t it be more appropriate in winter? Easy scooter, I’m getting there. Summer is when retards are out on their bikes. But E, they aren’t all retards. Really, then why do they wear helmets? Check mate.

Question: car vs. cyclist? Car, no question. I’ll prove it every time I see a cyclist on my side of the road mindlessly, selfishly weaving in and out of my lane like he’s entitled to it. Laws may indicate they are entitled to it but not the way these douche bags rape the law. If cyclist’s have the same rights as a car, why don’t they adhere to the speed limit or to passing laws? If there is not a bike lane for you to congest, get on the sidewalk or die. That simple. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for fitness. Just not when inconsiderate asshole fitness interferes with my life. That includes you marathon organizers. Of all the uninhabited space on Earth to run a marathon, you, being a dumb ass, decide blocking off the road in front of my house is the best place for a marathon.

Cyclists, I may warn you by honking my horn before taking you out or I may not. It depends on my mood that day. Scaring your bladder and rectum empty before making a flesh, bone and metal composite pile on the pavement will only make me laugh harder. I don’t want to notify every one in advance because some may try to out pedal me. I don’t want to have to waste gas speeding up to maim you because I’m environmentally friendly, hence the driving of a car and not riding a bike. Plus I want it to be as painful as possible for you. Speeding up will only expedite the bone crushing. No thanks. I want you to have time to ponder about how big of a dumb ass you are for thinking you are so important that the rules of the road don’t apply to you. In terms of road priority, you are less than nothing. I would swerve to miss a bird, an object in the road, a feral cat, an air molecule, a falling leaf, etc. I would only swerve toward you.

Some may consider me a hero for cleaning up the streets. To them I say, superhero, get it right bitch. I am eradicating evil and should be named accordingly. Only superheroes do that not heroes. No need to send fan mail or offer your daughters to me. I’m just a man doing what is right.