Sometimes you're too grossed out to help.

“I’ve got f*#% you money so f*#% you!” Tyson exclaimed while grabbing his balls.

“You speak as though you teach at a finishing school. And what does money have to do with anything? Relax, brother. Have a seat and let’s figure this out.”

“Perhaps I wasn’t clear enough. I said fu…”

“Oh you were clear dumb ass. If I was a Sith Lord, I would be force choking you. Now sit down before I do it the old fashioned way.”

“It’s just that…I’m just really upset that she would do that to me.”

“You mean to him. No need to be a douche to me. I didn’t touch that thing.”

“What? Oh yeah, I guess to him is more accurate. Why would she do that to him?”

“Maybe she mistook him for food? I’m surprised she was able to get over there to do it. She’s got a body for sitting.”

“What? Come on man, that’s my girl.”

“You feed her well. Do you feed her via a feed bag or trough? Never mind, my curiosity sometimes overrides protocol. Why did you not lash her to a post? It’s unlawful to let your animals run free.”

“Look A-hole. We’re talking about my girl.”

“Look sicko. You have sex with a farm animal. Bestiality is illegal too. You’re in some serious trouble here reprobate. I’m trying to help you but first I need to understand. Why her? Not tall enough for a horse?”

“That’s it…” Tyson lunges toward my throat to cause me harm.

Allyoocan!! I uppercut him, Ryu style. He back flips into his prior spot in the chair. I quickly handcuff him to the chair to prevent further attacks. “Not smart guy. Wipe your self off, you’re bleeding.”

“I can’t…move my…hands,” Tyson says between gasps as he recovers from the resounding blow.

“Funny huh?”

“Funny that you tell me to do something when you’ve disallowed me from doing it?”

“Precisely. I’m restraining you for your own good. If you charge again, I may not be able to stop myself next time.”

“Thank you for sparing my life.”

“Indeed, now get your tongue out of my ass. Getting back to business, any clue as to what compelled your behemoth girlfriend to cheat on you? Better question is how is it possible that there could be 2 sickos in this world willing to hump that thing?” I contemplatively ask before my stomach painfully convulses. Good thing it’s empty or I would have violently jettisoned its contents everywhere. The logistics of the putrifying event escape me. We know no two things can occupy the same space. Additionally the location of her sagging belly would make most positions impossible. I imagine a crane and crane operator are involved. My stomach through some weird neurological linking took this thought as a cue to convulse again. I had to stop thinking about it before I puked myself inside out.

“I don’t know how to answer your question other than to say I like what I like.”

“That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Have you tried hypnosis, suicide or thinner girls?”

“I’m an alcoholic.”

“Not a viable excuse. Double vision doesn’t have the distorting power to make animals look human. Alcohol does have the ability to make a girl look magically 20-30 pounds thinner after imbibing enough booze to kill a midget. It cannot, however, make a girl look hundreds of pounds lighter and not so…ummm….animal-like. Your body is incapable of accommodating the amount of alcohol required to make that a feasible option. You would die with even a fraction of the requisite amount.”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“You need to add the word “no” to your lexicon. It’s evident the love you have for her supersedes any social awkwardness she possesses as well as resemblances to beasts and whales. You love her with all your soul. And while I find it repulsive on every imaginable level, I support you brother. Just love her Tyson, just love her. The reason she probably cheated on you was because you didn’t love her enough. You drove her into another man’s arms, well at least a portion of her. No man has a wingspan long enough to wrap his arms around her like a belt. Now for her health’s sake put her on a diet. You two will need to work out the details of her cheating on you because I’m over it.” I walked over and un-cuffed him so he could be on his fat loving way.

“Thank you for the advice.”

“Sure. Thank your adipose sponsored girlfriend for making me money on my McDonald’s stocks. Oh before you go….” I said as I walked over to the closet.

“Yeah?”

“Put this to good restraining use,” I said as I threw him a chain and a lock. “To keep her away from the fridge or when you leave so she doesn’t go to another man or ten. Good luck kid.”