Christmas Thoughts

“What did you get me for Christmas?” she asked coquettishly.
“It’s a secret between Victoria and I,” I replied.
“You always say that.”
“That’s because I’m very clever.”
“That’s really the only reason I’m with you.”
“Fair enough. I’m only with you for your body. I guess we both settled didn’t we? Kidding momma. There is no lingerie I could buy that could compliment your body better than your body. You are stunning.”

What happened? What nightmare was that? Sorry to all you married suckers out there. I hope you get some metal polish for Christmas so you can shine up the ol’ ball and chain. I realize “the ol’ ball and chain” is a metaphor for a wife and that shining a person means that you are putting them on but go with me here people…err…person that reads this…err…okay, self. Nobody reads this drivel except you buddy. And that’s because you have to after you write it to ensure that it flows well for when nobody will read it. While I have your attention self, can you imagine being a single dentist? It will be glorious! Soon my friend, soon.

Anyway, Merry Christmas to anyone who happens to stumble upon this! Hope you have an enjoyable time with your family and friends, unless you hate your family and have no friends. In that case, I hope you enjoy getting drunk, stoned, or whatever in an attempt to forget the holiday and the fact that you hate your family and have no friends. Try vodka, it makes the tears less bitter. May your hangover be mellow.