Of E and women.

“Excuse me miss, do you know where I might find the nearest post office?” I politely asked a woman walking on the sidewalk in front of my building.

“You’re not from around here are you?”

“Nope, just moved in yesterday. Was the question a dead give away?”

“Let’s cut the shit okay, honey. I already lost my virginity but I’ll be happy to give you the box it came in.”

“Uhhh…actually I was just looking to get a package sent out. Did I inadvertently move into a red light district?”

“Red light district? No and I’ll pretend you didn’t just call me a prostitute. I’ll happily handle your package.”

“Damn lady! You’re hotter than a whore in a pickle patch.” I said. “That’s really nice of you but…”

“I want to name a multiple orgasm after you. Want to go halfsies on a bastard?”

“Whoa, settle down spaz.”

“How about you bend me over and load me up like a shotgun.”

Hooolyyyy shit!! Why does this always happen to me? I can’t even ask for directions without getting propositioned. Good for me I know, but sometimes it gets in the way of everyday business. Can’t be in a woman all the time, people ask questions when you’re out in public.

“Look, if I were to assemble a team of the most desperate girls in the world, you wouldn’t be riding pine, you’d be the whole team. Desperation is a stinky, putrid aroma and you my dear, reek. How about you run along?”

“After you ravage me 3 times or after you ravage me 5 times?”

I got close enough to her ear for her to feel my words rather than hear them and whispered, “Piss off huh?”

Sometimes you need to be firm with the ladies so they get the point. Sorry gals but it’s for your own good…or my good…or whatever.