What is that smell?!?

I know a guy who has the most offensive, putrid breath I have ever smelled. That’s putting it nicely. It has nonplussed me how he has been unable to detect the scent when his nose is directly above the sewer vent he has for a mouth. Maybe his smell receptors have eroded away from the squalor. Allow me to pathetically attempt to describe the pungent aroma that gruesomely leeks from his orifice. Imagine taking a suck from a marathon runner’s nut sack at the end of a marathon, add hot, wet garbage, burnt hair and a rotting carcass infested with maggots. Now multiply that fetidness by itself 10 times. Yeah...it’s not good. There is a reason people don’t close talk with him, yep, the odious pie-hole. His future wife will have to be lacking the senses of smell and taste. Possibly vision too, unless she finds poor dental hygiene attractive.

I’ve tried offering gum in an attempt to prevent my eyes from watering so much I dehydrate. Perhaps he hasn’t noticed my eyelids roll back and my body spasm in a body-wide dry heave from the green haze eerily extruding from the gutter he calls a mouth. I’ve smelled/experienced a professor’s rancid breath that has halitosis that I would prefer to place my nostrils next to to smell something comparatively pleasant.

There have been breakthroughs in the field of dentistry that can help this clueless man. Run a toothbrush over those chompers once a day to remove the acid that’s eating them and the tissue away. Listerine man!! Floss!! It’s as if his mother’s egg and his father’s sperm were somehow brother and sister and combined to place his anus where his mouth should be. Maybe he doesn’t have an ass because he doesn’t pull down his pants and eat with his backside when I’ve seen him eat. It’s possible that his mouth doubly serves as the intake orifice as well as the excretory orifice. If that’s the case, he must never wipe his mouth/ass.

Bulimic women! Are you sick of puking on your fingers? I’ve got the solution. Stand next to him. You’ll never need to cram a finger down your gullet again to induce vomiting. Simply recall the odor you smelled. You’ll probably smell it anyways for a few months because your skin will have absorbed it.

Men! Do you think your tough? Come test your gag reflex. I don’t think you understand the power this man’s breath possesses. It is so strong it can undo the adhesive strength of fiberglass and superglue. It can melt steel. If you’ve seen X3: The Last Stand, it’s like the end of the movie when Wolverine is walking up to kill Jean Grey and his skin is burning off him. Don’t wear any new clothes around him or you’ll quickly be replacing them.

Don't believe me? Michael Jackson smelled him once. Look what it did to his nose, face and skin. I gotta go. I need to get a face graft.