Implants are specious by nature.

Let me qualify that statement. Large, disproportionate implants are specious. All they are is an unabashed physical manifestation of a woman’s innumerable insecurities.

The decision to get them abnormally large is actually a sad concession. The woman realizes her face and personality will never get her the attention she wants and so she purchases it in the form of chest inserts. They bring the attention the woman deeply yearns for. Sadly it is all negative attention. The newfound attention is exclusively derived from their chest. All other attributes are mere accessories.

Don’t believe me? Pam Anderson. What was the first thing you thought of? Her monstrous rack, right? One more time. Dolly Parton. Why do you ever doubt me? I am clever enough to do this with half my brain tied behind my back.

Women if you are going to get implants, get them in a size proportionate to your body. Get them to restore the elevation they once had before children sucked it out of them. Get them after breast cancer takes one or both. Get them to restore perkiness that age and gravity have taken. Let not the compulsion or impetus be attention. You only deprecate yourself and your boobs by getting them. Get them abnormally large and I submit that your self esteem will plummet faster than Obama’s approval rating. You will quickly learn that men only respond to you because of them. That’s not what you want. Let your natural frame, or a purchased proportionate one, complement your personality. Improve what you can internally not under a surgeon’s scalpel. Respect yourself and for hell’s sake don’t alter perfectly natural beauties into freakishly disproportionate mounds. Straight up, when they’re that big, they don’t look good. They make you look like you should be a royal suck up to the Red Queen in the new Alice in Wonderland.

Massive boobs only suggest they are all a woman has to offer. What should women with massive homegrowns do? Absolutely nothing.

Isn’t that a mite bit hypocritical, E?

Only to a dolt.