Passing of the torch.

“I leave you to divine what that means.”

“But you didn’t say anything,” the young man muttered while looking down at his scuffed shoes as the exquisite, young vixen sauntered off.

“Uneducated in the ways of body language and women, eh?” I chuckled lightly. He will need to learn this valuable skill set to be a successful practitioner of women seducing. Women almost exclusively deal in subtly. One must be able to perceive the signals and interpret them correctly in order to safely converse with them. One unable to grasp the subtly is considered unworthy and dim. I could be of service if this young man was willing to learn.

“Do I know you, old man?”

“Pardon me, but I couldn’t help but overhear your exchange with that voluptuous creature. In large part because I was eavesdropping. I thought I might be of some assistance.”

“I don’t have an immediate need of knowledge concerning osteoporosis or arthritis. Thanks anyway.”

“Wits?! That will make my job easier. Women appreciate wittiness if used correctly. That paired with an improved visual acuity with regards to signals will make you irresistible. I understand if you’d much rather prefer pounding out a symphony on your organ alone, fag!”

“You piqued my interest. A greater sampling of what you have to offer is required.”

“I’m not hawking my wares like some street vendor. I have valuable information your little Johnson will thank me for later.”

“A conversation will never take place between you and my pecker. Are you sure you know anything about women? You seem awfully gay.”

“I’ll dismiss the insult because you are young and know not what you say. Listen to this though, sonny. Women expect myopic attention. Damn the peripherals and anything else in your purview. However, a word of caution regarding that statement. This knowledge can be a great ally or bring about a quick and painful destruction if neglected. Women are incredibly sensitive to this. If they feel you are adhering to this principle, adoration and all that she has will be given to you.”

“No sensitivity here, pops. It’s as though my body isn’t innervated. I feel nothing.”

“You may not be sensitive but she is. Respect the sensitivity. If in violation of it, you bring about utter condemnation and scorn. Unanswerable questions will instantly be asked rapid fire like: Why don’t you pay attention to me anymore? Do you no longer find me attractive? Are you saying I’m fat? Why don’t you open your eyes when we make love? None of these questions and the myriad of others that will surely be asked make for a good day. Don’t allow your gaze to dawdle. Instead of making women manifest their barely contained insecurities by what they deem is ignoring them, visually or in general, use their innate ability to over analyze things to your advantage. Let their minds wander with the possibilities of what you two can amount to. While this scares yours and my rectum empty and our undies full, it is the safer of two evils. When a woman is considering what wedding colors to use, her wedding dress, which bridesmaids she should select from the pack of catty, vindictive bitches she calls friends and all other things you, me and all other men find atrociously sickening, things could be no better for you. Her infatuation with you at that point knows no bounds. Interestingly and crazily enough this starts from the moment you meet her. You simply need to cultivate it and not cause a deviation in her mind. Don’t be a douche bag and think you’re being a deceitful dick. It’s simply safety. Don’t do it and she’ll turn tail and peace out quicker than a Frenchman. Are you writing this down?”

“So you finally stop your diatribe to breathe? I thought I was going to have to watch you die because I was unwilling to give you mouth to jowly mouth.”

“Piss poor timing wits again, huh? Forgive me for giving you scripture. I see you are too young or too stupid to see the value in my words. Good day, son.”

“Sorry old timer. Proceed.”

“What’s your name, lad?”

“E.”

“You look like a nerd of no comparison.”

“I do like books and libraries. I suppose that qualifies me.”

“As do your glasses and overall plainness. You look like the short, male equivalent of Sarah Plain and Tall.”

“Who? I’ve often been told I look like a Brad Pitt/David Beckham hybrid but more sexy.”

“Who? Clearly there is an age disparity between us. Let us bridge the gap by further exploring the ageless art of seducing women.”

“Do you still change your own undies or do you have a nurse do that for you?”

“A nurse. Not from necessity but because I like to be pampered. See what I did there?”

“I hope you didn’t just shit your pants.”

“No numb nuts, my diaper joke. Never mind. What is your impetus for talking to women?”

“To bang.”

“Now imagine I’m a woman asking you that same question.”

“Same response but I can’t even imagine a boner looking at your wrinkly ass. Do you kick your droopy ass when you walk?”

“Good one. That while getting in the panties is your end game; you shouldn’t portray that. If she is smart, she will pick up on your cues and follow accordingly as long as you’re smart about it. One misstep or poorly worded statement and the legs close quicker than a well-oiled bear trap. You’ve only got one shot unless you are so handsome that any and all slip ups are overlooked or forgiven. Seeing as though that doesn’t apply to you, we need to make you the model of debonair-ness.”

“Clearly you need to be updated on what good looking is or you would know that I am a specimen.”

“You silly fool. I have eyes. I can see you are but I am trying to teach you something. Know you are but never act like you are. Confidence and arrogance are divided by such a thin line that it is almost indistinguishable. It is markedly better to come across as one that has never spent a second in the mirror considering his appeal to women. Be you and hope that you convey someone that knows he has infinitely more to offer than his looks. Women find that more attractive than looks. Women value security more than appearance. Don’t believe me? Next time you walk down the street pay attention to the couples. You will only see an attractive man with an attractive woman. The opposite does not hold true. You will see an attractive woman with varying degrees of “good looking” men. Some far from it. They want to feel safe, secure and comfortable with a man and can fall in love with whatever he looks like. Our simple, little man minds can’t make sense of the concept but it’s as true as…something that is very true.”

“Holy shit stains! You’re right. Preach on, sage.”

“No can do, it’s time for my nap. Be here same time tomorrow for more instruction and for hell’s sakes, man, wear some pants! Make her fall in love with you before you unveil the angry inch otherwise you have no chance.”

“I’ve been told it’s a good size and that it’s cute.”

“Holy shit you suck. Tie a weight to it and hope like hell it stretches. See you tomorrow.”