Weekly stress.

For some unexplainable reason, I have always wanted a stalker. That is until I realized I’ve had one for quite some time now.

Church is usually a place of edification, reverence and of learning. These are no longer possible due to an impediment named J. I am on a constant state of high alert for J’s location. She makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I hug many girls at church without discrimination. All but one return the hug. J differentiates herself each week. J grapples me and releases me only after her muscles have vanquished their energy stores. Her inability to read my body language that vehemently screams I want to be anywhere but close to her coupled with the numerous failed attempts to free myself from her grasp once she catches me cause me to elude her every time I see her. I'll see her laser in on me from across the room and I’m spurred into evasive action like I stole something. I venture to say that whoever created radar, early warning detection devices and radar avoidance mechanisms had her in mind. I feel like a spy with my constantly scanning eyes surveying the room to know her whereabouts. My location is determined by her. Just like the VESPR theory for electrons, I try to be as far as I can from her. It's bad. I do all I can to keep her the F away from me.

Just to clarify and make sure you don’t think I brought this upon myself, I don’t remember ever initiating hugs with her. Surely she saw me giving every other girl a hug and probably thought she was entitled to one. However, I don’t give her a hug, she takes one. She nuzzles her face in my neck and holds on as though she’s trying to fuse our bodies together. It makes me sad. Spastic movements to indicate I want separation are ignored. The best way to maintain separation is avoidance, even blatant avoidance. Every Sunday I hope she has internalized my blatant avoidance and will correct her weekly folly. Every Sunday I am disappointed anew.

I feel bad about it but what kind of girl makes a man do this? Nobody wants to be like this but she makes me and I’m sure others too. Bad J!