Bummer

I’m not prone to depression. When I feel a certain way, my analytical mind explores the cavernous depths of things and oft times spelunks way too far. You probably already knew that from my overactive imagination evident in my stories. Realize that I’m simply venting and exploring these feelings and not trying to clandestinely conceal some undisclosed depression.

I guess I’m not mad at women. I’m mad at the lame repetitive interaction I have with each of them. Each interaction can be described using the same word. Awkward. If one were to examine my uninspiring dating history over the last 5 years, one would put their arms around me, pat my back and try their damndest to console me. No swaying while hugging though. I hate how some girls do that. We’re not dancing. You’re not a buoy in an unruly ocean getting arbitrarily tossed about by the ocean’s whim. When you hug, imagine yourself firmly rooted to the ground and straighten your back as if lifting something. Don’t swivel your spine like a snake does to locomote itself. You’re not a stiff board though so don’t be a douche. Get in close and take care of business. Gentle bear hugs are best. Don’t lift them up like some Greco Roman wrestler though, creep.

Anyway, no matter the dating reactants (women), the same product ensues. Each and every product results in an ever expanding disdain. Recently these culminated into an insatiable black hole of frustration. It’s like frustration anthropomorphically coalesced itself into human form and displaced the usual me. Looking back it seems like a common theme doesn’t it? Inward and outward. Wait, was that a sex joke? I believe it was. Amazing, he took “onward and upward” and transformed it into a sex joke. I’m awestruck and somehow unexpectedly turned on. What the hell just happened?

Any former adeptness I had ever attained regarding women has sadly eroded away over the past 5 years much like a majestic mountain after many billions or trillions of years have elapsed. It sucks because my main hobby used to be women. It used to be so casual and carefree but now seems to have evolved into a cyclic frustrating mechanism. I don’t know how to escape. I feel like I’m a hybrid of diametrically opposed ideologies; the old me and the me that I don’t want to become but feel myself drifting toward like some vagrant comet being gravitationally pulled toward a star. I miss aspects of the old me. I feel my demeanor toward dating and women has strayed from playing it by ear to a long term outlook. Gradually, imperceptibly I have errantly conformed to the LDS way of dating; much to my chagrin. I have always tried to be the comfortable outlier to the LDS dating collective but when you are immersed in something for 5 years how can one hope to not become partially assimilated? I don’t like it. I want to go back to the way I was but find myself unable. It’s been so long that it’s not comfortable anymore. I feel like an unqualified douche when it comes to dating narcolepsy inducing LDS women or normal, non-LDS women. I don’t know what to do anymore. Never has a more sad realization ever distilled upon a person's mind.