An awkward situation.

“E, why don’t guys find me attractive? What’s wrong with me?”

My head scrambles to reassemble itself from the atomic bomb that was just dropped within it. How do I start? How do I begin? Why wasn’t I given a few weeks to think it over?

“Well…uhh…”

I realize the first question is a front for the real question, why don’t you find me attractive, which complicates an already complicated position. There are no good answers. Every word I use to answer the question will be scrutinized ad nauseam and probably interpreted incorrectly.

“That is to say…errr..uhhh…”

Delivering an unrehearsed, unscripted answer that normally requires a great deal of inspection and careful thought is not smart, especially when she is your friend and obviously very vulnerable. I am not qualified to answer for all men and I am certainly not qualified to answer a question like that. Ladies, this is a loaded question that any man with half a brain would immediately run at hearing. How is it that I understood that learning to walk was more important than learning to talk first and yet somehow failed to apply the knowledge when it mattered most? My stupidity sometimes keeps me in uncomfortable situations.

“…hmmm…”

Articulation fails me again. Not that it matters, no thoughts are qued and ready to be expressed. My words were precisely conveying the exact thoughts going through my mind at that time. Gibberish and lots of it. I don’t know why I’m not into her, I’m just not. How do you explain something that isn’t there? There is nothing wrong with her. I like her just the way she is, a friend. Our feelings are not reciprocates though and that’s why I’m here verbally fumbling like a virgin mumbling nonsense as he tries to figure out how to put it in for the first time.

“You see I…you…guys…”

My discomfort intensifies as her eyes continue boring holes through mine as she tries to access and interpret the disorderly words floating around in my gray matter. If by some magical force she succeeds, she too was waiting for the jumbled words to properly align themselves into a cohesive sentence that she could begin overanalyzing.

“To best answer this question we must first delve into the specifics of cellular respiration.”

“What? No. Just answer the question and answer it honestly. Say what you think. My feelings won’t get hurt, I promise.”

Everyone knows that last sentence is super-saturated shit. I can’t remember what I said to her. I hope it made sense and wasn’t taken badly.

Ladies please don’t ever put a man in that situation! You won’t like what he has to say. I think in your mind you’ve played it out that he will respond as though he were in a super sappy chick flick and would sweep you off your feet with his response. And right before you hit the ground he would effortlessly catch you and hold you close and tell you he deeply loves you. Bah! He should titty punch you for verbally punching his brain like that.