A few, small excerpts from the timeline of E.

Unlike other males at the age of 5, I was a man. I started shaving a few months before my 5th birthday. I bought beer and a pack of smokes for the first time at 6. The attendant didn’t even ask for my ID, probably due to the thick, protruding forest of chest hair. She did ask for my number though…and I nailed her because I’m awesome!

At age 9, after spending a couple of years in prison for extreme bad-assery, I escaped. I have since toned it down to stay under the radar. Not because I wouldn’t be able to elude the authorities but because all the screaming fans gets old. Sometimes I just want to be a regular person. It’s nearly impossible for me to do that due to elevated bad ass levels. Sigh.

At age 10, I was in California to watch the 1989 World Series between the A’s and the Giants. I’m sorry to all the Californians for the earthquake...my balls dropped that day. I would have expected them to drop a lot sooner because I started shaving so early but nature takes its own course in a person’s body.

At age 30 on July 31st, 2009 I realized how stupid this post was and discontinued it.

I feel like I'm creatively bankrupt this week. I hate being sick.