I’m deeply disturbed. I submit this concocted conversation I had with myself as nail-in-the-coffin evidence.

He answered as though he had all the reasoning power of a bag of hammers. My friend had suffered a debilitating mental infirmity that put a dimmer switch on all but the most basic reasoning skills. Calling them skills is arguable. Honestly, he was just plain dumb now. This was no fault of his own nor was it given with evil intent from his parents. It was just plain unfortunate and frustrating.

“You’re gonna be throat deep on a superlative set of balls before you know it if you don’t cease and desist with the douchebaggery.”

“Did you just proposition me?”

“Do you even know what that word means?”

“It means you want to put your humping stick in my body and that makes you a queer.”

“I’ve got 5 things to say to you. All of which are variations of you shutting your damn mouth. Your oral diarrhea is in dire need of Imodium AD. Take an exorbitant dosage and be quick about it.”

He looked as though I had personally inconvenienced him. Good. He was driving me nuts. His expression surprisingly went from one of confusion and anger to one of delight as though he had just supped upon a bowl of pure joy.

“Today is a great day for a belly bump.”

“What the…? Nope.”

“Good thing you don’t have a say in the matter.”

“How would I not? I’d be a participant.”

“Semantics, my son. You’re concerning yourself with things you needn’t.”

“You’ve lost your damn mind. Apparently you’ve found someone else’s too because I don’t know where you’re pulling these words from. You have trouble spelling your own name and unfailingly struggle with words over one syllable. This is quite the departure from your normal parlance.”

“Congrats. You just earned yourself an ass kicking. “

“A false statement like that is hardly a thing to be congratulated for. I grow weary of debunking your hollow threats. Remember that one time you were trying to take your undies off and got your foot stuck in the leg hole? After exerting an excessive amount of force to free your foot, your heel was freed and milliseconds later lodged itself in your man satchel. You had to go commando for a week until the swelling went down because you couldn’t fit into your white-tighties. Do you remember that?”

“Of course, it still hurts.”

“If you don’t leave me the hell alone for the next little while, I will kick you so hard in the nuts I will lift you off the ground. You’re pathetic little sack will balloon to the size of mine and will cause you to pass out from the lack of blood to the brain because the blood will be taking up residence in your distended sack. It will make you yearn for the self-induced nut shot you gave yourself years ago. Does that sound fun?”

“I work my ass of to be your friend.”

“Please stop “working your ass off.” You will soon be left with no ass and nothing to show for it. Oft times all your “work” does is piss me off. Just be my friend and quit trying so damn hard. It’s annoying.”